Twilight Ronin

Whats 80's cartoon am I ?

2002-02-21T06:20:57Z

Which 80's tv toon are YOU? | made by kt of p-e.org.

A disturbing colorgenics test....

2002-02-01T07:23:02Z

Enough is enough ... you feel frustrated and rejected .... You are fighting back .. and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace ....

You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority. But you are experiencing problems ... You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation .. .

You need a friend - a close friend ... and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance .. and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be some-what argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce your chances of prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

Whatever has caused the situation...you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord...you are like the tide,.. flotsam and jetsam...One minute you experience "highs" and a few moments later "lows". This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and it is the demanding attitude, the ideal state you desire, is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you...and you find it difficult to listen to, or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle, and you strive to ally yourself with others of similar tastes.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as "someone special" is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special.. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this "complex" by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play ... or in the home. Stop trying so hard... and you will find that people will like you for who you are ... not for who you are pretending to be....

www.colorgenics.com

twilightronin @ 2002-01-31T22:47:00

2002-02-01T06:46:34Z

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

intoxicated ramblings...

2001-11-22T10:01:19Z

*breathes deeply*

A very powerful chapter in my life story will be closing or opening very soon in my life, in several different situations. In time shall truth be revealed.
All I can think right now is to go with the flow and not let what could very well happen soon interfere with my unbreakable path. Last thing I want in life is to grow old and not have memories to look back to.
I will dream of a serene location now... I shall wait for her there... but if she must go, then I must as well back towards the road less traveled. May she find the strength she needs where I cannot be there to provide.

I will not hold back, and I will not fall down...

*keeps chin up*

"It is better to regret the things you have done than to regret the things you haven't done"

Ask and thou shalt receive...

2001-11-22T06:56:03Z

Well, the little dose of good karma I prayed for came to me!!! Woohoo!!!

In regards to whether or not the 20th (our "window") was a succesful night or not:
It was, first time visual set up wnet smooth, and looks nice! NAHA liked the place, and damn does this girl get better (wrrd to brks!), and lastly, ALOT of people who I did not know showed up, that is a good thing... wrrd is getting around!
(If only my teddy bear showed up this would have been a 'perfect' night)

/me wubs my FTC crew!

Much props to these boys n' girlz for making this shit start to happen! :)

*starts kicking the ball in the right direction*

twilightronin @ 2001-11-20T11:57:00

2001-11-20T19:59:55Z

*sheathes sword*

Okay, I'm a bit less grumpy now.
Looks like things ironically have just shifted for the better.

Pride, a powerful weakness of mine, always holding me back, to the point where it leaves me dangling at the edge.
Its funny how sometimes even your closest of friends dont realize how much you are being anchored down, and moreso, when a distant "buddy" leans over, picks you up, brushes the dust from your shoulders, nods, and continues about his way.

"Time does not build friendship, compassion and understanding does"

Thank you for all that have been there... thick and thin.

And special thanks to Joe.

*nods*

Taking shit for granted...

2001-11-20T18:15:28Z

So what now... I'm stiffed out of some glorious work at Labor Ready, AGAIN!!! I mean shit... I am willing to dig trenches and move broken concrete all day... to survive. *shakes head*
So there I am, deep in thought in a good long walk home passing through memory lane.

So many places I have known for years, reoccurring to me once more.
Theres CompUSA... ahh... I remember working there for 2 years a while back... a set schedule... making enough to pay bills... to feed myself.. service my car.

And lookie here... Washington Mutual... i used to have an account there for 3 years.... checks... savings... debit cards... financial stability. Now im sure anythign with my name in their database has a -$ near it.

Jack in the Box! I remember how everyday me and my my roomies/coworkers would drive down there in my car on lunch break... I'd get the sourdough meal everyday, cause i could afford it... and we'd waste our whole break eating and talking about the newest game that just hit our shelf.

Now... these places seem almost haunted to me, as I trudge past them all... in the cold, the mud, my face grim and drawn, looking not down, not up, but ahead.
Where I have this invincible demeanor, I do not know.

What to do, eviction is nipping at my heels, hunger eating my stomach away, selling prized books and CD's just to make money to do laundry.

The question is...
HOW THE FUCK DID I GO FROM HERE
*points at the sky*
TO HERE!!!
*point at the ground*

Verizon, Microsoft... now I am working in an agency that employs mosty homeless people. I have fallen from grace, fast and hard. I have learned much in the past week... my perceptions have enhanced somewhat. Merely listening I have learned how hard life can be for some people. I have overcome many fears... expanded my exceptance of others even more. I wish the best for these people, these people that wake every day from a cardboard box, bus to a building that makes them wait several hours in the mere chance of giving them a very tough job that will feed them. I feel like I was on their level.
*reality check*
I wish the best for these people.

AT the same time I have to represent a new production crew in the works, run a club, and try for this DJ thing... what a glorious lifestyle. I has pushed its weight on me time and time again, but I almsot feel like Atlas, carry the worlds weight on my back.

Again, I am eating my old advice... "One must dwell in darkness to see the light"

I used to be one lazy son of a bitch... taking shit for granted... grandparents giving me money to help pay rent, since i'd always blow it on drugs and BS little things i dont need.

Now... fuck... at least I'm sure as hell aint lazy... now i just get to deal with all the slack I've created for myself.

I dont care how steep this mountain is, I will climb to the top.
I will "rage against the dying light" as my old friend told me.

I will find my stability soon... very soon.

In the back of my mind, I wonder, does she know what I go through? Hate to say the word, but I fear she may not accept the shackles I carry with me for the next few months.

*sighs*

I think I have found an essence of good karma... I wonder... do I deserve it?

Overall... I must continue to walk ahead, no turns, no more dead ends... I must indefintely remain true to myself.

*draws sword*

Another Day...

2001-11-20T12:41:38Z

Having a hard time sleep...

I'm going to just tough it out and wake up now.
Hmmm...

So here I am, listening to my favorite Tiesto set "Search for Sunrise2" and making a shit load of my specialty pancakes for Courtney and Krishawn. *shrugs*

I'm sure they could all use a nice warm breakfast (as could I) before a shitty day.
I wouldn't mind a little good karma tonight either...

*looks to the sky*

Please?

TIME TO GRIT MY TEETH

2001-11-20T09:51:52Z

Well... here comes a little test of willpower.

*breathes deep*

In less than 3 hrs. *yawns* me and Courtney get to go to Labor ready just to make rent... if only this new dope job i got didn't start till the 26th!!!
Yesterday morning I awoke at 4:30... left at 5:15... go there at 5:30... waited till 11:00 and we got nothing. *grumbles* Today I better not get stiffed like yesterday. I need this... i need this. After this drudgerous grunt labor... I get to go home, do laundry, shower, and get my ass to the club. Being that this very well could be "the" night that gets the ball rolling like we want it.
*cough* *cough* http://tekno.sifl.net/board/viewthread.php3?FID=3&TID=2775
My bad! Dunno where that {spammin'} came from!!!
I cannot even describe how ready I am for this shit. This will be a trying day for me, I will need all the strength (and sleep!) I have for this.

*goes outside to smoke and stargaze*
.............
*returns*
*takes in a deep breath*

Chris, do not fall...

The lily...

2001-11-18T13:26:09Z

The lily... so gentle... so sweet,
on the other road did we meet.
In my wildest dreams with chance so bleak,
did I find a fragile beauty wounded deep.

Her pure innocence of all given pain,
sunny days still bearing ominous rain.
Searching for the strength to carry on,
from the shadows I have withdrawn.

Embraced by a enchanting spell so strong,
reveling in bliss forever on.
Her soft touch to me healing all pain,
I wonder, can I do the same?

I see pain and sorrow in your eyes,
similiar fears known to you and I.
How far do you want to go?
Hearts open, let our fears go...

Eyes gleam, I let out a sigh,
catching a thousand stars fall through open sky.
Every smile I am given from you,
A thousand wishes are granted true.

-your knight

twilightronin @ 2001-11-16T04:42:00

2001-11-16T12:42:35Z

-in regards to ch13-

I think the path I need to take is becoming clear to me now.
RAWR!

That iz all...

The Lone Warrior CH.13 "Lone Wolf"

2001-11-13T09:42:32Z

Chapter XIII "Lone Wolf"

I am straying from my path...
Upon the great cliff I stand,
overlooking a vast ocean of confusion.
My eyes reflective in the pale moon light.
My mind in deep thought.
My heart crying for freedom.
The cool night breeze touches my face.
The lone wolf howling its alluring midnight song,
beckoning for me to return to the path of loneliness.
What will the nearby future bring my way?
I have wanted many things...
but of all, to rid my persona of being a lone wolf,
of being a shadow walker... a Ronin.
I wish to walk a new path,
the path of honor and truth,
and not of shame.
To restore a little light in my life.
I have strength,
I have courage,
I have passion,
I have dreams,
but I lack happiness.
I am tired of being alone.
Close friends withdrawing,
some turning their backs,
others dying, giving up...
I can only carry anothers burden so far.
Before I must turn back to carrying my own.
Am I only here to listen and not be heard?
Is my only purpose to heal while I bleed?
Does my armor seems that unbreakable?
Is my illusion that real to them?
Can they not see that this armor does not protect me,
rather it imprisons me?
Am I really taken for granted so simply?
Do I seem that invincible?
Do I display such rigid fortitude?
Can they not see why I wear this armor?
Can they not see that fragile weakness within?
Can they not see that I bleed internally?

My heart has grown cold,
and I fear warming it by the the fire again.
I have done so before,
but everytime is different.
There is a new unspoken fire.
Its aura of warmth seducing,
does it beckon me?
or does it keep me at bay?
Will the fire burn me?
or will it warm me?

My ultimate weakness surrounded by the ultimate defense.
Beneath this tough exterior,
a warm innocent heart,
vulnerable and alive,
beats softly,
awaiting rebirth,
from a gentle voice,
a healing touch,
as it remains silent,
dying slowly...

And so there I stand,
before two roads,
the path of solitude,
and a new path,
closing my eyes,
facing the North Star,
my guiding light,
remembering the past,
and preparing for the future,
I ask my self this...

What will happen when I pick this rose?
Will its thorns strike deep? Will it whither and die? Or will it blossom?

My pain is bearable, my pain unto another is not.
Thus, I will remain silent, keeping to the shadows...
for now.

twilightronin @ 2001-11-12T19:00:00

2001-11-13T03:05:53Z

Finally completed my last interview at Trend West Resorts. I got the job!
I can't really explain how much this means to me. Chris, time to move ahead into the future, to gather my strength again. Time to get my life back on track...

*looks up into the stars*

-----A ravers story-----

2001-11-12T09:47:37Z

********************************************
********************************************

Feared by many, understood by few.
Through all the pain, we'll make it through.
Tears have fallen, blood has spilled.
In the end, spirituality fulfilled.
Thrown unto the wild, exiled from the flock.
The music our shepherd, we will never stop.
Beautiful records of art,
matching the beat of our heart.
Pain endured,
blindness cured.
Emotions rushed,
hearts crushed.
Allies gathered,
friendships shattered.
Unseen connection,
deadly affection.
Sparkling eyes,
tell no lies.
Warriors, poets, and philosophers we are
all united under the same bright star.
In darkness we tread,
mourning for those who have fled.
Doing so much wrong,
trying to do what's right.
Never losing our gifted sight.
Seeing the light from the dark,
reveling in dark under the light.
To the end, we shall carry the fight.
Till dawn under the twilight night.

-C

********************************************
********************************************

The Lone Warrior CH.12 "Unexpected Brother hood"

2001-11-11T23:50:25Z

Chapter.XII "Unexpected Brotherhood"
***a poem given to me from an old friend and newfound brother***

The mist starts to thicken as the night begins to descend over the battlefield we have just overcome.
The expression on our ronin leaders face is that of disbelief.
How can we have overcome so many foes?
Yet we still stand here.
The loyalty of those that are willing to fight at his side is apparent.
Why do we help?
We all need to have companions that will fight at our side.
This is not my battle, yet I am willing to bear my sword.
We have fought many battles already, not all of them were those of our leaders.

The ronin collapses to his knees.
He cannot bear the weight of his armor much longer.
He has been fighting too long.
Where do we go now?
What other enemies must we face together?
Why does our leader now weep?
Can he not see how far we have come?
Does he not see how strong he is?
Perhaps his courage is waining.

The ronin stares into the night sky as he does so often.
What he is looking for no one sees.
Only he knows where he must go next
All we can do is follow the path he chooses.
Wiping the tears from his eyes, the samurai stands once again gripping the deep wound at his side.
This is the leader that we know.
Wounded, he does not yet realize how badly.
How many more battles can he hold up like this before he is too weak to continue farther?
Slowly he turns and points in the direction that we must head first.
Havent I been there before?
Perhaps this is a battle that we must fight together again.
This war is never going to end.
Perhaps my knowledge of the battlefield will become an asset.
I must help him
He needs me and I need him
Together we will fight our battles
Together we will win.
-a close friend

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream. Wandering by lone sea breakers, and sitting by desolate streams. World losers and world forsakers, for whom the pale moon gleams. Yet we are movers and the shakers of the world forever it seems."
-Arthur O'Shaunessey

The Lone Warrior CH.11 "United as One"

2001-11-11T12:04:24Z

Chapter XI. United as One

I am near...
I can feel it now.
I can see the rising sun on the distant horizon.
Before me all my demons stand, blocking me from what is right
I have charged headlong into this battle many times
I have been wounded many times
I have fallen from grace many times
I have turned to the shadows many times
Yet now, I am not afraid.

Looking behind my shoulder I can see my warriors.
I thought I was alone in my vision
I am not...
United with me again, fighting the same fears
They all stand, though bearing many wounds from old battles
We all stand together...
with unwavering strength
unbreakable courage...
with the same vision.
I am not alone.
I am not as different as I thought.
I feel as I am no longer the lone wolf I thought myself to be.
Good things are are on their way,
I know that now.

The fire in my eyes no more,
extinguished by the fire of the heart.
Fear now an emotion of the past,
replenished with courage.
My sword no longer tainted with blood,
now glimmering with hope.
My armor no longer fragile and rusted,
now reflective in the warm sunlight.
My dreams no longer fantasy,
but now a nearby reality.
My grim outlook on life vanished,
replaced with inspiration.
My wounded heart,
now open.

There I stand before my demons, all of them without fear.
Having no doubt that now is the time to move forward.
Having no doubt that this is not another illusion of hope.
Having no doubt that I will not fall in this battle.

The winds howl, the eyes gleam into focus, the souls unite.
Breathing in a breath of sweet air and drawing our swords,
as one, we charge ahead... into the future.
We will not fall this time.
We are invincible.

The Personality Test...

2001-10-24T15:19:05Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

I disagree with the high levels of being Narcissistic, Dependent, and Avoidant, but beyond that, this test is quite surprisingly accurate.

The Lone Warrior CH.10 "Shadows of Light"

2001-10-18T09:17:29Z

X. Shadows of Light

For you I would climb the tallest mountain,
Journey through the unknown lands,
Fight ever battle to the end to be with you.
Your smile melted the ice from my heart,
Revealing a new warm essence.
With you I felt like and angel,
Soaring the the heavenly skies with you by my side.
What goes up must come down,
And my heart was in altitudes I never thought imaginable.

Then the sun set,
The dark clouds gathered,
And the sky was painted with the fire of passion.
My wings burned away in terrible pain,
and I fell in a downward spiral.
Good things last only so long,
I know this now.
All I wanted was another smile,
or an open hand to catch me as I fell.
Yet you were not there.

And there I lye on the cold earth.
In a pile or broken bones, blood, and tears.
My sword missing,
my wits overcame by the demons of sorrow.
Wounds heal, but scars are forever.
All I wanted was another smile.

You wanted to be alone again,
So I pressed the pain inwards,
Vowing to protect you.
A warrior at your side, yet not close.
Call it loyalty?
Just a smile in return?
A little rejuvenating glint of light?

I now know why you could not smile,
As you were ill from eating the poison apple.
I tried to pick you up, but you turned your back to me.
Swallowing my pride, honor, and compassion,
My heart once again grew cold.
My eyes possessed by the demon of hate.

Though I could still see you,
You were but an illusion.
A product of my wild imagination.
I was left completely alone.
I was in lands far from my home.
Not even my fellow warriors were around.
I searched these lands for miles for answers.
For ways not to bring us together,
For that story is over.
But to make things right.
To return light to the darkness.
But try as I may, my quest was for naught.
I traveled till I could no longer.
Until my armor grew too heavy.
My sword rusted? crumbling to dust.
My mind still trying to decipher what was up from down.
My heart trying to close the wounds dealt by the dagger of love.
My spirit growing dark, eating my soul.
I became my own shadow.
Unseen by all.

Then I fell to my knees,
unable to press further.
Closing my eyes,
Desperately wanting to awaken from this nightmare.
It seemed to real,
this was no dream.
I was back to reality.
And realized how deep I crawled into hell.
Demons everywhere, Hate, Love, and the worst of all?
Fear.
Again they tore into my body and soul,
pillaging the essence of all that I was.
Over Redemption, I found Damnation.

I struggled to climb the mountain for you.
And I fell to the bottom,
And survived?

I cannot see you,
As you are the shadow of the woman I once knew.
And I am the shadow of the man you knew.
Reveling in my darkness,
Walking this path of black fire,
Yet always there, watching, in silence.

Old Dusty Ancient Scrolls of Poetry by the Infamous ME

2001-10-17T18:22:37Z

Just dug up some of my old poetry...
It is titled the Lone Warrior for reasons judged by the reader.
My "poetry" used to be posted on the NwTekno Board as "The Journal of Dark Clouds" because I have been accused with writing in a style that is very transitional and relating to all my other pieces, so I thought it appropriate to put it back up here. Many of the emotions spilled into the words remain, while some are dead.

I'll be putting some more entries in later on.

Enjoy...

The Lone Warrior CH.9 "The Path of Fire"

2001-10-17T18:14:16Z

IX. The Path of Fire

The rain falls,
thunder crashes,
lightning strikes,
Dark Clouds emerging...

Where am I?
surrounded only in a deep forest of confusion, torment, deceit, love, hate, darkness...

My ally and brother in arms, lying in a pool of blood at my feet, wounded by the dagger of love, as I, from the dark scheme of the enemy, one who was once a squire, my follower, now having taken the darker path...

In the distant horizon a black tower stands,
looming over the landscape like a nightowl watching prey, and from the perch he stood, now holding the rose i once held delicately he now holds with ignorance, selfishness, and deceiving his ownself...

A small clear pond at my side,
reflecting the starless twilight night,
my reflection; sword and armor glistening with purity, my eyes twinkling with undying hope, courage, compassion, and truth,
holding a beautiful delicate rose,
with a chiseled expression of confidence...

That is but a reflection, as i kneel over this black pond with rusted armor and sword, painted by blood and mud,
my cut hand clutching a black thorned rose,
my face drawn, tormented by future damnation.

Tragedy strikes all too often,
and heroes often endure the greatest of sacrifice,
eternal tears for the rose I still yearn for but never again,
my brother mortally wounded at my side,
the dagger of love protruding from our chests, soaked in blood and tears,
eyes narrowed, teeth grinding, knuckles clenched white,
my hand clutching the pommel of my sword, itching for that moment to strike down all this pain, torment, to awaken from this nightmare, and back to the euphoric dream i beleived to be living in, demons of anger, rage, vengeance and hate resurfacing, struggling against my now shadowed heart, yet i remain cool, calm, and collected, maintaining clarity as I walk this path of fire...

the Glimmer of Hope, gone...
the Light behind the Eclipse, lost...
the Ray of Light behind Dark Clouds, forgotten...

The Lone Warrior CH.8 "Together"

2001-10-17T18:12:19Z

VIII. Together
-Inspired after Fixation, an unforgettable party thrown for me for my birthday, which in the end, had an incredible vibe. My emotions were so ecstatic that i wrote this piece. I am finally posting it.-

I look to the sky,
my soul glowing with such brilliance.
Light, all around me.
I see not a single dark cloud... for once.
Am I dreaming?
Is this heaven?
Or is heaven actually a hidden realm found within the individual soul instead?
Where am I?
What is this place?
So bright, so warm... so... euphoric.
I open my eyes...

A dream, it was but a dream.
Yet the sun cradles my soul with such warming compassion.
Hope shining ever so bright right now...
I look about myself...
my scars are gone,
my heart warm,
my sword shining,
my armor glimmering in the morning sunlight,
a newfound twinkle in my eye... hope.
I look before me, and still see that path, so clear before me, surrounded by lush grass and fully blossomed flowers, swaying in the winds delicate grace.
I feel rejuvenated, healed.
I boldly stride forward, pursuing longsought dreams.
With sword and armor ready for anything that should stand in my way.
My soul glowing with infinite brilliant purity.
I take in a deep breath, tasting the sweet air clear my senses.
I hear the sweet tunes of music all around me, fueling my rage against the dying light.
It seems that now nothing can stop me.

I look back for a moment, and see many with the same glimmer of hope in their eye.
And there they all stand, ready to embark on the same journey, this noble quest towards the future.
I am not alone...
Behind them I envision an object so incredibly inspiring

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." -snoangl

The Lone Warrior CH.7 "A Glimpse towards the Future"

2001-10-17T18:10:21Z

VII.A Glimpse towards the Future

I stand high on the Cliffs of Despair, looking over the vast sea at the setting sun.
Its dying rays of light reflecting off my visage as it sets, and the darkness rises.
But I do not flinch... I have seen enough darkness to last a lifetime.
Even my own men, warriors that have served me since the beginning have no idea of the vicious demons I have contained within, how I use my empty smile as my only illusion to my happiness.
Iv'e been wounded to deeply to feel pain any further.
I have lost it all, I can lose no more...
I wonder if the demons have carved insanity into my mind, but what is insanity?
"i'd like to meet a madman
that makes it all seem sane" -TrippYVixen
"It is often the insane in an insane world that are truly sane" -me

Maybe this has all been some sort of test?
I know not, maybe this was meant to filter out the weak into a depressive downward spiral, but I descended that dark staircase, but with eyes facing the starry sky, and not the darkness at my feet.
I shake my head in utter confusion, weary of how it is that I am able to look up the staircase and see the light above...
My wounds still bleed ever so deeply, yet they are healing now, slowly, but surely.
I see what must be done clearly before me.
It is but the Ascension I must make, a whole new journey.
Yet this time I am not thrown into the thick brambled forest of confusion.
This time I see the path as clear as day.
Why should I trouble myself to walk this long path?
My legs are weary from my extensive travels...
Why not rest in this wallow of despair?
Let it swallow me whole as it did so many others?
Because there are those that I hold sacred to my heart huddled beside me. In the same pains and fears... of past, of present, and of future.
If alone I may have broken my sword, gave up the good fight, and cry for eternity in the cup of my hands.
Yet why is that I stand tall, chin up, head high, sword glimmering in that faint ray of light that shines down upon me, ready to the fullest for this new quest for peace, tranquility, and above all, to feel the meaning of true happiness.
I will not give up...
I will fight and die for my loved ones.

This young woman before me, who I feared woulnd not accept me into her arms feels as I do, ridding me of the fears of an emotion so foreign and illogical to me, yet so inspiring... she has has drawn to me as I have her not from happiness and joy, but from friendship and understanding,
"A friend will always be with you at good times, a true friend will always be with you during good and bad times." -me
creating the most extreme of what mortal man would call love, an emotion that makes even the darkest of men change heart entirely and find their smile.
I smile now.

The bard resides here too, his heart twisted and eaten away by the cursed blessing of love, wrapped forever in a state of near insanity, of lost hope.
No wait... its still there.
I can see that glimmer in his eye still shine with his tears.
Still that burning passion in his soul that could inspire by the thousands, lead great armies into battle, and become a hero, a remembered name by all that have been at his side.
No, hope still shines quite bright.

Another, whom I have known for but a few fort nights only, but it seems we have walked the same path of pain and sorrow sitting there, like waiting for something as she smiles.
A pearly shine of hope, matching my own newfound smile.

Also, a warrior I crossed paths with not long ago, but our ways alike, our codes of honor, compassion, loyalty, truth, and justis the same, even our blades bear the same flecks of battle and blood of past, our skin painted with the same war paint and ink burns of shunned ancient beliefs.
The same shine of keen wisdom and undying spirit in his eye.

They are many others...
Even my squire, whos blade is painted red with my blood... and mine with his stands there, eyes narrowed intently, watching my every move intently.

My sword arm is tired, my unbreakable sword about to shatter. Without hesitation I walk up the spiral staircase, it is time to leave the realms of Hell. I wonder who will follow?
As I move upward, I feel their warmth behind me, encouraging me to move on. Some even at my side. We are in this together...
~~~~~
I snap awake from the dream... the vision, of what will be, yet still lying on the Cliffs of Despair, cold, alone...
Snow blanketing my frozen body with its icy touch.
I scramble to my feet, brushing the icy frost from my armor.
For I am no longer cold, alone... just the mere thought of those close brings me their company in spirit, the mere thought of feeling loved brings the warmth like the hearth of the fire.
I climb onto my warhorse, giving myself a mere moment to understand what is happening to me.
Looking at my surroundings, the sweet morning song of the birds, the soft wind as it graces through cherrywillow branches, the scamper of a squirrel on a nearby tree, the sound of the waves licking the cliffs behind me, ever so gently...
I take in a breath of the fresh cool air around me, beginning to understand what my eyes never revealed to me, what my ears could never hear, what my hands could never feel, I lived, but now I am alive...
A young woman with wisdom beyond age once said...
"You look but you don't see
You hear but you don't listen
You touch but you don't feel
You live...but are you alive??

My eyes open, my third eye more than ever so clearly perceptual to my surroundings.
From nowhere music so inspirational cradles my wounded soul, my clouded mind, and bleeding heart and fills it with so much passion that it shines brighter that ever before, like the bright star in the sky I claimed as my own.
Love, Hope, Wisdom...
For that split second my teeth grit, my eyes narrow, shedding perhaps their last tear, as I ride forth into possibly a new beginning, being carried by undying love, true friendship, burning spirit, and the winds of pure enlightenment.

"One lives in the world and reacts to things around him. The question is where one plants his feet. " -Yamamoto Tsunetomo {The Book of the Samurai}

The Lone Warrior CH.6 "Love and Pain, ever the same..."

2001-10-17T18:08:52Z

VI. Love, Pain, ever the same

My mind afire with confusion, love and pain.
I have always been one to follow what my heart tells me, not my mind.
Yet I think maybe my heart has turned black.
I thought I knew what love was... but my pain brought it to swift end.
A fair maiden some time ago, unknown to me, but our eyes caught, and for the brief periods together it felt as if I was in heaven.
Yet when my pain came to me, my love began to die like a fading star.
Not understanding she would embrace me, but I would feel resent.
Why?
What demon so evil could soil my soul so deeply?
And thus my pains grew more intense.
Try as she may to understand, she did not and thus I had to set forth towards the open road again.
I blame her not, I blame myself.
Though I reign victory over my battle with the demons, the war is ever so far from over.
My mind still insued with hideuos demons beyond comprehension,
I reel to the earth in agony, knowing not what to do.
I am lost, confused.
I look to my dagger residing to my belt, unsheathing it.
Asking myself whether or not this journey is worth it.
Waiting ever so patiently for good things to come.
Yet I wonder if the dagger is the doorway to a new beginning, a new life.
I wonder if it will show me if im truly alive, or already in hell.
Dark Clouds storm thunderously over my head...
my hands tremble not with fear, but with toatl confusion.
"I feel the touch of one who is going through similiar pains,
so young, so innocent, so vulnerable..."
I look to my side and see one a friend who has been there for a long time.
Rather than an embrace, she feels my pain and sorrow,
her hand on my shoulder as tears rolls down my pale skin.
Through this pain I feel a warm emotion, an emotion that I have felt before and felt as if life was worth the journey.
Through my shared pain, I felt... love.
Yet I hold my thought inward and push them far away into my soul.
I do not wish to risk everything by acting out my emotion.
Thus I remain hidden in the shadows,
I remain silent, like the lone wolf, and through our pains I feel...
I...

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. -touching words of a friend

The Lone Warrior CH.5 "Black Lotus"

2001-10-17T18:05:50Z

V. The Black Lotus
I open my eyes,
once again breathing in air, life
My armor now mended, protection
my sword glimmering in the rays of hope
I look about my surroundings though
where are they? was this all a dream?
those that stood so close?
where are they now?
yet i still feel their presence nearby, inside me
I look about for the man who has brought me so much inspiration, the man who has guided me to a new perception of life
a new state of mind
yet he has been pulled away by his own demon... love

I fear his sanity put in question
and I fear he has set path to the black fortress

I look back on times he was there for me...
At time ago when I was to travel on a mission of peace to a faraway temple,
with an empty sheath,
but he looked in my eyes,
into my soul and softly spoke
"Do not go, it bears much danger. Lest I accompany thee"
And my shoulders fell,
not with discouragement,
but with sorrow that some wounds may never be healed
But i fear his mind has wandered mad,
his soul lost
I look back to a time where his own demons clouded his mind,
thus I looked him in the eye,
reassuring him that good will always overcome evil,
that in this life,
it is those who grit their teeth through these times that tests the will of our spirit,
that fear is a common virtue,
no one can completely rid ourselves of the presences of our demons, that?s what makes us human
but it is the ability to stand up and face our own demons that makes us men
I remember the time when I first met him on the road,
travelling unknown paths,
turning this way and that at will,
living life by chance alone
but i shook my head and pointed to the sky
"Follow the ray of light brother"
I recall times where his smile would soon grow silent,
yet somehow i understood his pains,
as if i knew what dark realms his heart travelled
So I gave him an emblem of courage... of hope
my friendship,
my understanding,
my eternal loyalty,
yet i fear he has gone mad

Yet now it is quiet,
not a single bird to sing its morning song,
not a single wolf to cry to the moon its desperate hymn,
not even the sounds of the wind haunting me,
and thus I knew what path he was taking,
for it was but too silent

A man I feel so parallel to in my pains,
like the older brother i never had,
no...
more like my brother... in another world

My heart cries out to see him walk the path to darkness
I must follow,
knowing fulwell that I myself may not return from this dark journey,
but such is the way of true friendship,
without hesitation I go forward,
catching glimpse of sunlight behind dark clouds...

"Behind every eclipse shines light" -me

I trudge without hesitation,
my sword dragging in the mud behind me,
As rain begins to hail without mercy on my rusted bloodstained armor.
I havent seen the bard who saved me for sometime now, but I heard he has set path towards the fortress of darkness, a place of no return.
To end the misery that life continually haunts us with.
I wont let that happen, he showed me the light behind the black clouds, and thus I will show back unto him.
I close my eyes momentarily for a split second trying to relive the beautiful music that has lifted my soul so...
I feel tranceported to another plane, all in a moments passing. Maybe I shall find him there...
Oh how incredible I feel write now... this very moment... I feel as if im dreaming, yet the approaching glimmer of sunlight... My awakening.

So beautiful this is... it is my heart, my soul... truth beyond all reasoning... In times of pain... or in times of love I can always spiritually lift myself to such euphoric elevations that reality seems an utter night mare.

And still the glimmer of sunlight shines bright... I do not want to leave... I feel free... alone... Free... with the music... the sweet tunes of life in its most purest essence.

It is such an undescribable sensation... a tear falls my glossy eyes seeing this dream come to end...

And the sun shines bright... Reflecting off my eyes lost in another world of known only to mortal man as ?Heaven?...

A world where know one but with free heart and mind can enter. It is ridiculed so because it is not understood... Or it is to be envied. But I am here. And I do not look back. I leave my demons behind me... And look forward and I see the very sky open and rejuvenate my soul with its warm... heavenly touch.

Yet the sun shines even brighter... my misty eyes flashing open... Wakening...

Yet... I still hear... no FEEL the music lift me... allow me to shed tears of joy, to smile, to love, and to throw down all pain, hate, and sorrow I have felt burn so darkly in my soul... yet even though the sun shines bright in my face... I seem to feel warmth it brings... As if the music was embracing my very body with its divine touch, flying my soul epically to eternal altitudes.

Though I am awake, in reality once more, I close my eyes to the silent music I cannot hear, but feel, forever in my soul, forever alive... Its spirit forever unbroken...

The Lone Warrior CH.4 "Twilight Ronin"

2001-10-17T18:04:10Z

IV. Twilight Ronin

I lye on the cold earth,
looking at black clouds creep along the night sky,
glimpsing the occasional star streak through a sky of eternal desperation and hope,
I remember when I used look into the twilight sky with bright teary eyes,
now i stare blankly into them tonight,
I am looking back over previous battles,
not of the dream I had with the demons,
but of battles i have fought with anger,
and nay with my heart,
and for what purpose?
Do I fight for some false god?
Do I fight to fill the pockets of some filthy nobleman a thousand moons travel away?
Do I fight to protect my family honor?
I have for too long,
only to have them turn their back to me,
misjudging who I am,
what I have become.
No... I now fight merely for my own honor,
I continue to fight for my own sanity,
I try to live a good life,
but feel that I have done too much wrong,
caused too much pain,
brought to much sorrow,
as black clouds follow my every foot step.
I live by a code of honor,
but I do so for my self,
many would accuse that of selfishness,
they may scoff at me,
spit at me,
throw their rubbish and filth at my face,
attempting to strip me of all dignity,
but i will still look forward,
oblivious to their insanity.

I am fighting off demons that cannot end their tormenting,
a neverending battle against impossible odds,
yet i continue to fight on...
and you stand their,
under black clouds,
in your wealth...
gluttonized by power...
gold...
jewlery...
and precious wines...
blindly telling me who I am,
what I am, and what I should be.

But you have failed to show me what the difference is between good and evil.
I had to learn my own way,
"It takes one to stand in the dark to see the light"
No... you are blind, you know me not,
You brought me into this world,
only to drag me kicking...
screaming...
clawing the ground...
desperately trying to grasp hold of something,
before you hurled me over that cliff.
But look at me now... I am alive.
My fall broken by a new found family.
A family that cares,
understands,
loves,
and sees this world as I do.
We all stand under the blackest of clouds together.
And together we have a shine brighter than your most priceless gem
"United we stand, divided we fall" -me
You now look at me with amazement, with envy,
but I look down on you with pity,
it is my turn to shun you,
as you did so many a time to me,
to let the black cloud hang over your head,
and I shall turn my back and walk into the sunset to my new home.

I ponder what I am doing is right as I continue to stare into the twilight sky.
Black Clouds everywhere... I am afraid, more afraid than I have ever been in my life.
It has been two decades of my life,
and I have never felt so much passion and intensity in my soul as of late...
I am scared, it is but a few fort nights before I pass another year of my life away, but where am I now?
and what shall become of me?
have I led a good life?

I look around me and see many that care for me, love me, would fight and die for me....
Why? I am but a fallen man,
desperately clinging onto that false belief of hope... its ray of light so barely noticeable through the overbearing black clouds,
and still I see many that would fight for me,
turning their backs to their own demons... sacrificing themselves.
I see my allies fall before me, torn apart by their own sufferings,
and I just stand their in awe...
not afraid,
but shocked that there would be so many that would stand by me,
put themselves in harms way for me.
Why!?
Is this the end of my journey?
Have I finally found what my empty soul has quenched so long for?
I am confused...

I tried to walk one path
that of the Samurai...
one who defends the honor of his lord, family, country, and himself, beyond the boundaries of death
But I have been walking another
I am but a lowly Ronin...
a samurai who has lost his lord, his family, his country, and his honor, wandering the land taking whatever path lyes before him, and continuing to fight on
"Not all that wander are lost -J.R.R. Tolkien"

I have awaited my life for this,
and yet I froze as my trembling hand held the pommel of my sword.
My comrade now fallen, broken, bloodied, and beaten, because I was not there.
Black clouds all around me...

Why do I continue enduring these hardships? fighting yet still so desperately for a lost and empty belief of honor, compassion, truth, justice, loyalty, ...love.
I can only look to the night sky,
feeling that sweet tear run down my cheek,
its sweetness moisten my lips,
as I stare into the twilight with a dying glimmer in my eye.