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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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10:19 pm - Whats 80's cartoon am I ?
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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11:23 pm - A disturbing colorgenics test....
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Enough is enough ... you feel frustrated and rejected .... You are fighting back .. and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace ....
You are a leader and possibly at this time in a position of authority. But you are experiencing problems ... You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation .. .
You need a friend - a close friend ... and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance .. and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be some-what argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce your chances of prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.
Whatever has caused the situation...you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord...you are like the tide,.. flotsam and jetsam...One minute you experience "highs" and a few moments later "lows". This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and it is the demanding attitude, the ideal state you desire, is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you...and you find it difficult to listen to, or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle, and you strive to ally yourself with others of similar tastes.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as "someone special" is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special.. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this "complex" by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play ... or in the home. Stop trying so hard... and you will find that people will like you for who you are ... not for who you are pretending to be....
www.colorgenics.com
current mood:  stressed
current music: TR!P |-|OP
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10:47 pm
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| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
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1:59 am - intoxicated ramblings...
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*breathes deeply*
A very powerful chapter in my life story will be closing or opening very soon in my life, in several different situations. In time shall truth be revealed.
All I can think right now is to go with the flow and not let what could very well happen soon interfere with my unbreakable path. Last thing I want in life is to grow old and not have memories to look back to.
I will dream of a serene location now... I shall wait for her there... but if she must go, then I must as well back towards the road less traveled. May she find the strength she needs where I cannot be there to provide.
I will not hold back, and I will not fall down...
*keeps chin up*
"It is better to regret the things you have done than to regret the things you haven't done"
current mood:  sad
current music: Tiesto's "Search for Sunrise2" ...again
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| Wednesday, November 21st, 2001
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10:54 pm - Ask and thou shalt receive...
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Well, the little dose of good karma I prayed for came to me!!! Woohoo!!!
In regards to whether or not the 20th (our "window") was a succesful night or not:
It was, first time visual set up wnet smooth, and looks nice! NAHA liked the place, and damn does this girl get better (wrrd to brks!), and lastly, ALOT of people who I did not know showed up, that is a good thing... wrrd is getting around!
(If only my teddy bear showed up this would have been a 'perfect' night)
/me wubs my FTC crew!
Much props to these boys n' girlz for making this shit start to happen! :)
*starts kicking the ball in the right direction*
current mood: Woot! Woot!
current music: DiJital BMC's "Broken Thoughts" (prog. psytrance)
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
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11:57 am
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*sheathes sword*
Okay, I'm a bit less grumpy now.
Looks like things ironically have just shifted for the better.
Pride, a powerful weakness of mine, always holding me back, to the point where it leaves me dangling at the edge.
Its funny how sometimes even your closest of friends dont realize how much you are being anchored down, and moreso, when a distant "buddy" leans over, picks you up, brushes the dust from your shoulders, nods, and continues about his way.
"Time does not build friendship, compassion and understanding does"
Thank you for all that have been there... thick and thin.
And special thanks to Joe.
*nods*
current mood:  blah
current music: trance
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10:13 am - Taking shit for granted...
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So what now... I'm stiffed out of some glorious work at Labor Ready, AGAIN!!! I mean shit... I am willing to dig trenches and move broken concrete all day... to survive. *shakes head*
So there I am, deep in thought in a good long walk home passing through memory lane.
So many places I have known for years, reoccurring to me once more.
Theres CompUSA... ahh... I remember working there for 2 years a while back... a set schedule... making enough to pay bills... to feed myself.. service my car.
And lookie here... Washington Mutual... i used to have an account there for 3 years.... checks... savings... debit cards... financial stability. Now im sure anythign with my name in their database has a -$ near it.
Jack in the Box! I remember how everyday me and my my roomies/coworkers would drive down there in my car on lunch break... I'd get the sourdough meal everyday, cause i could afford it... and we'd waste our whole break eating and talking about the newest game that just hit our shelf.
Now... these places seem almost haunted to me, as I trudge past them all... in the cold, the mud, my face grim and drawn, looking not down, not up, but ahead.
Where I have this invincible demeanor, I do not know.
What to do, eviction is nipping at my heels, hunger eating my stomach away, selling prized books and CD's just to make money to do laundry.
The question is...
HOW THE FUCK DID I GO FROM HERE
*points at the sky*
TO HERE!!!
*point at the ground*
Verizon, Microsoft... now I am working in an agency that employs mosty homeless people. I have fallen from grace, fast and hard. I have learned much in the past week... my perceptions have enhanced somewhat. Merely listening I have learned how hard life can be for some people. I have overcome many fears... expanded my exceptance of others even more. I wish the best for these people, these people that wake every day from a cardboard box, bus to a building that makes them wait several hours in the mere chance of giving them a very tough job that will feed them. I feel like I was on their level.
*reality check*
I wish the best for these people.
AT the same time I have to represent a new production crew in the works, run a club, and try for this DJ thing... what a glorious lifestyle. I has pushed its weight on me time and time again, but I almsot feel like Atlas, carry the worlds weight on my back.
Again, I am eating my old advice... "One must dwell in darkness to see the light"
I used to be one lazy son of a bitch... taking shit for granted... grandparents giving me money to help pay rent, since i'd always blow it on drugs and BS little things i dont need.
Now... fuck... at least I'm sure as hell aint lazy... now i just get to deal with all the slack I've created for myself.
I dont care how steep this mountain is, I will climb to the top.
I will "rage against the dying light" as my old friend told me.
I will find my stability soon... very soon.
In the back of my mind, I wonder, does she know what I go through? Hate to say the word, but I fear she may not accept the shackles I carry with me for the next few months.
*sighs*
I think I have found an essence of good karma... I wonder... do I deserve it?
Overall... I must continue to walk ahead, no turns, no more dead ends... I must indefintely remain true to myself.
*draws sword*
current mood:  cold
current music: trance
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4:35 am - Another Day...
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Having a hard time sleep...
I'm going to just tough it out and wake up now.
Hmmm...
So here I am, listening to my favorite Tiesto set "Search for Sunrise2" and making a shit load of my specialty pancakes for Courtney and Krishawn. *shrugs*
I'm sure they could all use a nice warm breakfast (as could I) before a shitty day.
I wouldn't mind a little good karma tonight either...
*looks to the sky*
Please?
current mood:  calm
current music: DJ Tiesto... "Search for Sunrise2"
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1:49 am - TIME TO GRIT MY TEETH
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Well... here comes a little test of willpower.
*breathes deep*
In less than 3 hrs. *yawns* me and Courtney get to go to Labor ready just to make rent... if only this new dope job i got didn't start till the 26th!!!
Yesterday morning I awoke at 4:30... left at 5:15... go there at 5:30... waited till 11:00 and we got nothing. *grumbles* Today I better not get stiffed like yesterday. I need this... i need this. After this drudgerous grunt labor... I get to go home, do laundry, shower, and get my ass to the club. Being that this very well could be "the" night that gets the ball rolling like we want it.
*cough* *cough* http://tekno.sifl.net/board/viewthread.php3?FID=3&TID=2775
My bad! Dunno where that {spammin'} came from!!!
I cannot even describe how ready I am for this shit. This will be a trying day for me, I will need all the strength (and sleep!) I have for this.
*goes outside to smoke and stargaze*
.............
*returns*
*takes in a deep breath*
Chris, do not fall...
current mood:  determined
current music: "The Twilight Prophecy" (latest mix CD)
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| Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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5:24 am - The lily...
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The lily... so gentle... so sweet,
on the other road did we meet.
In my wildest dreams with chance so bleak,
did I find a fragile beauty wounded deep.
Her pure innocence of all given pain,
sunny days still bearing ominous rain.
Searching for the strength to carry on,
from the shadows I have withdrawn.
Embraced by a enchanting spell so strong,
reveling in bliss forever on.
Her soft touch to me healing all pain,
I wonder, can I do the same?
I see pain and sorrow in your eyes,
similiar fears known to you and I.
How far do you want to go?
Hearts open, let our fears go...
Eyes gleam, I let out a sigh,
catching a thousand stars fall through open sky.
Every smile I am given from you,
A thousand wishes are granted true.
-your knight
current mood:  thankful
current music: DJ Tiesto... "Search for Sunrise2"
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| Friday, November 16th, 2001
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4:42 am
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-in regards to ch13-
I think the path I need to take is becoming clear to me now.
RAWR!
That iz all...
current mood:  enthralled
current music: Tiesto...
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
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1:31 am - The Lone Warrior CH.13 "Lone Wolf"
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Chapter XIII "Lone Wolf"
I am straying from my path...
Upon the great cliff I stand,
overlooking a vast ocean of confusion.
My eyes reflective in the pale moon light.
My mind in deep thought.
My heart crying for freedom.
The cool night breeze touches my face.
The lone wolf howling its alluring midnight song,
beckoning for me to return to the path of loneliness.
What will the nearby future bring my way?
I have wanted many things...
but of all, to rid my persona of being a lone wolf,
of being a shadow walker... a Ronin.
I wish to walk a new path,
the path of honor and truth,
and not of shame.
To restore a little light in my life.
I have strength,
I have courage,
I have passion,
I have dreams,
but I lack happiness.
I am tired of being alone.
Close friends withdrawing,
some turning their backs,
others dying, giving up...
I can only carry anothers burden so far.
Before I must turn back to carrying my own.
Am I only here to listen and not be heard?
Is my only purpose to heal while I bleed?
Does my armor seems that unbreakable?
Is my illusion that real to them?
Can they not see that this armor does not protect me,
rather it imprisons me?
Am I really taken for granted so simply?
Do I seem that invincible?
Do I display such rigid fortitude?
Can they not see why I wear this armor?
Can they not see that fragile weakness within?
Can they not see that I bleed internally?
My heart has grown cold,
and I fear warming it by the the fire again.
I have done so before,
but everytime is different.
There is a new unspoken fire.
Its aura of warmth seducing,
does it beckon me?
or does it keep me at bay?
Will the fire burn me?
or will it warm me?
My ultimate weakness surrounded by the ultimate defense.
Beneath this tough exterior,
a warm innocent heart,
vulnerable and alive,
beats softly,
awaiting rebirth,
from a gentle voice,
a healing touch,
as it remains silent,
dying slowly...
And so there I stand,
before two roads,
the path of solitude,
and a new path,
closing my eyes,
facing the North Star,
my guiding light,
remembering the past,
and preparing for the future,
I ask my self this...
What will happen when I pick this rose?
Will its thorns strike deep? Will it whither and die? Or will it blossom?
My pain is bearable, my pain unto another is not.
Thus, I will remain silent, keeping to the shadows...
for now.
current mood: lonely
current music: various "emotion" trance
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| Monday, November 12th, 2001
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7:00 pm
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Finally completed my last interview at Trend West Resorts. I got the job!
I can't really explain how much this means to me. Chris, time to move ahead into the future, to gather my strength again. Time to get my life back on track...
*looks up into the stars*
current mood: pleased
current music: psytrance ... what's new?
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12:48 am - -----A ravers story-----
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********************************************
********************************************
Feared by many, understood by few.
Through all the pain, we'll make it through.
Tears have fallen, blood has spilled.
In the end, spirituality fulfilled.
Thrown unto the wild, exiled from the flock.
The music our shepherd, we will never stop.
Beautiful records of art,
matching the beat of our heart.
Pain endured,
blindness cured.
Emotions rushed,
hearts crushed.
Allies gathered,
friendships shattered.
Unseen connection,
deadly affection.
Sparkling eyes,
tell no lies.
Warriors, poets, and philosophers we are
all united under the same bright star.
In darkness we tread,
mourning for those who have fled.
Doing so much wrong,
trying to do what's right.
Never losing our gifted sight.
Seeing the light from the dark,
reveling in dark under the light.
To the end, we shall carry the fight.
Till dawn under the twilight night.
-C
********************************************
********************************************
current mood: touched
current music: yum yum Tiesto...
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| Sunday, November 11th, 2001
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3:48 pm - The Lone Warrior CH.12 "Unexpected Brother hood"
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Chapter.XII "Unexpected Brotherhood"
***a poem given to me from an old friend and newfound brother***
The mist starts to thicken as the night begins to descend over the battlefield we have just overcome.
The expression on our ronin leaders face is that of disbelief.
How can we have overcome so many foes?
Yet we still stand here.
The loyalty of those that are willing to fight at his side is apparent.
Why do we help?
We all need to have companions that will fight at our side.
This is not my battle, yet I am willing to bear my sword.
We have fought many battles already, not all of them were those of our leaders.
The ronin collapses to his knees.
He cannot bear the weight of his armor much longer.
He has been fighting too long.
Where do we go now?
What other enemies must we face together?
Why does our leader now weep?
Can he not see how far we have come?
Does he not see how strong he is?
Perhaps his courage is waining.
The ronin stares into the night sky as he does so often.
What he is looking for no one sees.
Only he knows where he must go next
All we can do is follow the path he chooses.
Wiping the tears from his eyes, the samurai stands once again gripping the deep wound at his side.
This is the leader that we know.
Wounded, he does not yet realize how badly.
How many more battles can he hold up like this before he is too weak to continue farther?
Slowly he turns and points in the direction that we must head first.
Havent I been there before?
Perhaps this is a battle that we must fight together again.
This war is never going to end.
Perhaps my knowledge of the battlefield will become an asset.
I must help him
He needs me and I need him
Together we will fight our battles
Together we will win.
-a close friend
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream. Wandering by lone sea breakers, and sitting by desolate streams. World losers and world forsakers, for whom the pale moon gleams. Yet we are movers and the shakers of the world forever it seems."
-Arthur O'Shaunessey
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Astral Projection - "Ambient Galaxy"
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1:56 am - The Lone Warrior CH.11 "United as One"
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Chapter XI. United as One
I am near...
I can feel it now.
I can see the rising sun on the distant horizon.
Before me all my demons stand, blocking me from what is right
I have charged headlong into this battle many times
I have been wounded many times
I have fallen from grace many times
I have turned to the shadows many times
Yet now, I am not afraid.
Looking behind my shoulder I can see my warriors.
I thought I was alone in my vision
I am not...
United with me again, fighting the same fears
They all stand, though bearing many wounds from old battles
We all stand together...
with unwavering strength
unbreakable courage...
with the same vision.
I am not alone.
I am not as different as I thought.
I feel as I am no longer the lone wolf I thought myself to be.
Good things are are on their way,
I know that now.
The fire in my eyes no more,
extinguished by the fire of the heart.
Fear now an emotion of the past,
replenished with courage.
My sword no longer tainted with blood,
now glimmering with hope.
My armor no longer fragile and rusted,
now reflective in the warm sunlight.
My dreams no longer fantasy,
but now a nearby reality.
My grim outlook on life vanished,
replaced with inspiration.
My wounded heart,
now open.
There I stand before my demons, all of them without fear.
Having no doubt that now is the time to move forward.
Having no doubt that this is not another illusion of hope.
Having no doubt that I will not fall in this battle.
The winds howl, the eyes gleam into focus, the souls unite.
Breathing in a breath of sweet air and drawing our swords,
as one, we charge ahead... into the future.
We will not fall this time.
We are invincible.
current mood: optimistic
current music: DJ Tiesto "In Search of Sunrise2"
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| Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
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8:19 am - The Personality Test...
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I disagree with the high levels of being Narcissistic, Dependent, and Avoidant, but beyond that, this test is quite surprisingly accurate.
current mood: apathetic
current music: ambient
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| Wednesday, October 18th, 2000
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2:17 am - The Lone Warrior CH.10 "Shadows of Light"
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X. Shadows of Light
For you I would climb the tallest mountain,
Journey through the unknown lands,
Fight ever battle to the end to be with you.
Your smile melted the ice from my heart,
Revealing a new warm essence.
With you I felt like and angel,
Soaring the the heavenly skies with you by my side.
What goes up must come down,
And my heart was in altitudes I never thought imaginable.
Then the sun set,
The dark clouds gathered,
And the sky was painted with the fire of passion.
My wings burned away in terrible pain,
and I fell in a downward spiral.
Good things last only so long,
I know this now.
All I wanted was another smile,
or an open hand to catch me as I fell.
Yet you were not there.
And there I lye on the cold earth.
In a pile or broken bones, blood, and tears.
My sword missing,
my wits overcame by the demons of sorrow.
Wounds heal, but scars are forever.
All I wanted was another smile.
You wanted to be alone again,
So I pressed the pain inwards,
Vowing to protect you.
A warrior at your side, yet not close.
Call it loyalty?
Just a smile in return?
A little rejuvenating glint of light?
I now know why you could not smile,
As you were ill from eating the poison apple.
I tried to pick you up, but you turned your back to me.
Swallowing my pride, honor, and compassion,
My heart once again grew cold.
My eyes possessed by the demon of hate.
Though I could still see you,
You were but an illusion.
A product of my wild imagination.
I was left completely alone.
I was in lands far from my home.
Not even my fellow warriors were around.
I searched these lands for miles for answers.
For ways not to bring us together,
For that story is over.
But to make things right.
To return light to the darkness.
But try as I may, my quest was for naught.
I traveled till I could no longer.
Until my armor grew too heavy.
My sword rusted? crumbling to dust.
My mind still trying to decipher what was up from down.
My heart trying to close the wounds dealt by the dagger of love.
My spirit growing dark, eating my soul.
I became my own shadow.
Unseen by all.
Then I fell to my knees,
unable to press further.
Closing my eyes,
Desperately wanting to awaken from this nightmare.
It seemed to real,
this was no dream.
I was back to reality.
And realized how deep I crawled into hell.
Demons everywhere, Hate, Love, and the worst of all?
Fear.
Again they tore into my body and soul,
pillaging the essence of all that I was.
Over Redemption, I found Damnation.
I struggled to climb the mountain for you.
And I fell to the bottom,
And survived?
I cannot see you,
As you are the shadow of the woman I once knew.
And I am the shadow of the man you knew.
Reveling in my darkness,
Walking this path of black fire,
Yet always there, watching, in silence.
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| Tuesday, October 17th, 2000
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11:18 am - Old Dusty Ancient Scrolls of Poetry by the Infamous ME
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Just dug up some of my old poetry...
It is titled the Lone Warrior for reasons judged by the reader.
My "poetry" used to be posted on the NwTekno Board as "The Journal of Dark Clouds" because I have been accused with writing in a style that is very transitional and relating to all my other pieces, so I thought it appropriate to put it back up here. Many of the emotions spilled into the words remain, while some are dead.
I'll be putting some more entries in later on.
Enjoy...
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11:13 am - The Lone Warrior CH.9 "The Path of Fire"
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IX. The Path of Fire
The rain falls,
thunder crashes,
lightning strikes,
Dark Clouds emerging...
Where am I?
surrounded only in a deep forest of confusion, torment, deceit, love, hate, darkness...
My ally and brother in arms, lying in a pool of blood at my feet, wounded by the dagger of love, as I, from the dark scheme of the enemy, one who was once a squire, my follower, now having taken the darker path...
In the distant horizon a black tower stands,
looming over the landscape like a nightowl watching prey, and from the perch he stood, now holding the rose i once held delicately he now holds with ignorance, selfishness, and deceiving his ownself...
A small clear pond at my side,
reflecting the starless twilight night,
my reflection; sword and armor glistening with purity, my eyes twinkling with undying hope, courage, compassion, and truth,
holding a beautiful delicate rose,
with a chiseled expression of confidence...
That is but a reflection, as i kneel over this black pond with rusted armor and sword, painted by blood and mud,
my cut hand clutching a black thorned rose,
my face drawn, tormented by future damnation.
Tragedy strikes all too often,
and heroes often endure the greatest of sacrifice,
eternal tears for the rose I still yearn for but never again,
my brother mortally wounded at my side,
the dagger of love protruding from our chests, soaked in blood and tears,
eyes narrowed, teeth grinding, knuckles clenched white,
my hand clutching the pommel of my sword, itching for that moment to strike down all this pain, torment, to awaken from this nightmare, and back to the euphoric dream i beleived to be living in, demons of anger, rage, vengeance and hate resurfacing, struggling against my now shadowed heart, yet i remain cool, calm, and collected, maintaining clarity as I walk this path of fire...
the Glimmer of Hope, gone...
the Light behind the Eclipse, lost...
the Ray of Light behind Dark Clouds, forgotten...
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